A Rainbow Story of Hope

A Rainbow Story of Hope - My Mama Adventure

As most of you probably already know, if you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you’ve probably already seen the announcement (and if you don’t follow me on either of those, you definitely should!).


That’s right folks! My precious rainbow baby that we’ve been hoping and praying for finally made her glorious arrival. It didn’t go as planned, but she’s healthy, she’s here, she’s perfect, and that’s all that matters.

Continue reading A Rainbow Story of Hope

The Guilt of Pregnancy After Loss

The Guilt of Pregnancy After Loss - My Mama Adventure

You may be thinking that my guilt of pregnancy after loss would be that I’m holding onto the hopes of having this beautiful daughter in my arms soon when I have two babies in heaven. Do I feel guilty about loving another child? No. It’s the same as a mother with 4 living children loving all 4 children.

Continue reading The Guilt of Pregnancy After Loss

Celebrate Your Rainbow Baby: I Give You Permission

Celebrate Your Rainbow Baby: I Give You Permission - My Mama Adventure

So, my rainbow baby is my 4th pregnancy but 2nd baby. There’s a part of me that hates the question “Is this your first baby?” or “Do you have any other children?” I get those questions a lot. I usually answer with “No, I have a 3 year old at home.” But I always feel like I’m leaving out my 2 angels. It’s kind of a big deal to have been pregnant 4 times! But since this is not my first pregnancy or first baby, I also feel an awkward sense of what is expected of me. I feel like the 2nd baby is frequently not as celebrated as the first baby since we already have most of what we need.

Continue reading Celebrate Your Rainbow Baby: I Give You Permission

Pregnancy After Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy after Pregnancy Loss - My Mama Adventure

It’s been almost 8 weeks since we announced to the world that we were expecting another baby. And for more than a month, this post, with only a title, has been sitting in my drafts. I’ve really struggled with all of my feelings surrounding pregnancy after pregnancy loss. I’m still not sure how I feel.

Continue reading Pregnancy After Pregnancy Loss

Guest Post: Three is the Magic Number

Written and Posted with Permission By: Lauren of lo-wren

Not one, not two, but three.  Three is the number of times I had to miscarry in order for my miscarriages to be deemed ‘recurrent’, and for my health insurance to cover testing to find a cause.  It didn’t matter that my first two miscarriages happened within six months of each other, nor did it matter that there were signs of a possible underlying cause (clotting present with both miscarriages).  I had to wait until I lost my third baby to be ‘labeled’ and for insurance to ‘deem’ that there was a problem worthy of being resolved by testing; I suffered my third miscarriage, in under a year and a half, yesterday.

ThreeMiscarriagesIt was a scenario all too familiar for me, going in for an appointment with my midwife…and an inability to find a heartbeat.  Never mind the fact that I had recently come off of a two week battle with 24/7 nausea, or the fact that I had been up to use the bathroom four times the night before.  There was no heartbeat.  This can happen when you’re only 10 ½ weeks, as my midwife reassured me, but my gut told me that my baby was gone.  The evidence was surely there when I went to give a urine sample at the end of my appointment, pink spotting seeming to verify that there would be no heartbeat found with an ultrasound.  It was as though my body knew that I was in a place of nurture and support, letting me know that we would not be welcoming a new addition in the spring.  My midwife, who delivered my first son, was amazing and incredibly supportive throughout.  (if you reside in the Philadelphia area, I highly recommend Valley Birthplace)
I was able to get an ultrasound appointment later that day, and no angle the technician tried was going to show a viable baby with a healthy, lightening quick heartbeat; my baby was dead.  I spared the doctor the difficulty by telling him that I knew as soon as he walked in, but it didn’t seem to make him feel any more comfortable (why was I trying to comfort him?).  He discussed some options with me, and wanted to know how we planned to proceed so that he could discuss it with my midwife.  The doctor left the room, and I went in to use the adjoining shared bathroom, the sound of the woman in the adjoining room’s healthy baby’s heartbeat echoing off the cold tile of the room.  I collected myself and got ready to leave (it’s not strange to walk out with sunglasses on, is it?).
Within minutes, the doctor had my midwife on the phone, catching me as I was taking the long walk, past numbers of visibly pregnant women, and out the door with a dead baby in my womb.  We discussed options and I asked my midwife for advice.  Within ten minutes I had a trusted OB/Gyn calling me to set up an appointment; have I told you how amazing my midwife is?  The entire experience was incredibly [and thankfully] different from the clinical, impersonal experience I had with my first missed miscarriage.
I am meeting with my new OB/Gyn today, and am hopeful to begin a dialogue that will send me on the road to finding answers.  I am having a Dilation and Evacuation (D&E) performed tomorrow, for the sole purpose of fetal testing.  While I am saddened by the loss of yet another baby, I am filled with hope that we’ll be able to find an answer, and that my family will welcome another baby into our family in the near future.  The hope that I hold supersedes my grief, and I am positive that our journey towards having another healthy baby is only beginning…

About Lauren:

Lauren is a former publishing rep-turned-WAHM and toddler wrangler. In addition to her blog (lo-wren.com), you can find Lauren writing for The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, BlogHer, and Mamapedia.

Guest Post: Pregnancy Loss and Rainbow Baby – A Story of Hope

Pregnancy Loss and Rainbow Baby - A Story of Hope - My Mama Adventure

Written By: Brandi, Guest Blogger

Brandi’s Story:

In November 2010, we found out we were pregnant after trying for one month. I had the fairy tale pregnancy… no morning sickness, very little swelling, never miserable, etc. We found out in February that we were having a little boy, whom we named Noah.
I had an appointment on July 15th, 2011 (his due date) and was finally scheduled to be induced the following Friday (July 22nd). But on the morning of Wednesday, July 20th I started having some terrible back pain. I thought I was starting labor with the amount of pain I was in. I wasn’t really having any steady or timeable contractions but I was definitely having a few. Around 9am, I decided to leave work. I called my husband but he was in the middle of something at work and it wasn’t an emergency yet. So then I called my mom to come get me. I wasn’t even going to attempt to drive at this point. So I went to my mom’s house around 10am and the pain just kept getting worse. I knew that day was going to be it! I was excited yet very scared as it was my first pregnancy. So I called into the doctor’s office to tell them what was going on. They told me to walk around for 30 minutes and call back if the contractions didn’t go away. 

Well, like I said, I wasn’t having very many contractions and they weren’t time-able but I was in tears with pain from my lower back. Then my water broke so I called them back again and told them. (By this time, my husband was able to meet me at my mom’s). So we headed to the doctor’s office… I was 4cm dilated… definitely in labor at that point. So by about 11:30am I was in labor and delivery. They started hooking me up to monitor the baby and get me ready for a C-section. Then the worst words that will ring forever in my mind were spoken by the doctor… 

“There’s no heartbeat.”

I started crying. About 5 minutes later I was being put under due to all the stress in my body. The doctor knew my life was in jeopardy as well.

Noah Christopher was born sleeping at 1:45pm on Wednesday, July 20, 2011 weighing 7lbs 3oz and was 20.5 inches long. From there I don’t remember much about the next couple days of being in ICU. I do remember that when I finally came around, my first words to my husband were… 

“He didn’t make it did he?” 

He just shook his head. I also remember being weighed and weighing 50 lbs MORE than my original weight… I only gained 23 lbs while I was pregnant! I also remember that about 2am they came and asked me if I wanted to hold Noah. I did but don’t remember a whole lot of it. We also had him baptized on Thursday, July 21st.

I suffered a lot during the 8 days in the hospital. I was given 9 bags of blood and just as many platelets. My body did not handle the loss well at all. They were very close to flying me out to a hospital that could save my life. Thankfully, that wasn’t needed and I could be in the hospital with my son.
Then on Wednesday, July 28th we were scheduled to have our “special” dinner and then I was finally leaving the hospital. About 2 hours before I was to leave, my C-section incision reopened due to a blood clot (blood clots were part of the reason for the loss of Noah). So I ended up having to get that taken care of before dinner and then was rescheduled to leave the hospital the next morning.
On Thursday morning we headed to the Wound Center to try this new vacuum that was supposed to close my incision really quickly. It was such a pain to get put on but it was so much less painful and easier on me.
On Saturday, July 30th we had Noah’s funeral… the hardest day of my life by far. 

Never in my life did I think the first thing I would do as a parent was bury my child.

August 2011 – I spent a couple weeks staying with my mom because I was unable to move or do anything for myself… and when I say anything, I mean EVERYTHING! Like showering or going to the bathroom or just simply sitting on a chair. I couldn’t do anything without help. I also got my wound vac off and my incision was healed in about 5 weeks! The old way of closing an incision usually took 3-4 months! We were amazed and I was finally getting to where I could do things for myself again.
September 2011 – On September 15th I finally went back to work after 7 weeks off. It was such a hard thing to do but I was more than ready. I was tired of being home by myself all day. I had a few appointments with the doctor that delivered Noah. She told me more details about my delivery day. It’s so scary to think that something like that could happen in such a happy and exciting situation. She said that it took them hours (which is NOT normal) to get me to come to after surgery. I just wouldn’t wake back up. Then while she was stitching me back up, she said that all my “numbers” dropped so she had to quickly get me closed up the best she could or I wasn’t going to make it. I was losing major blood quickly. Very scary to think about!
October 2011  We went to Hershey Medical Center to see a specialist. We wanted to get a second opinion on everything that happened. It was the BEST thing we’ve ever done! The doctor that delivered Noah told me that I had HELLPS (hemolytic anemia, elevated liver enzymes and low platelet count) basically is a very serious and undetected form of pre-eclampsia. Come to find out from my sister-in-law that it’s about a 0.2%-0.6% chance of this happening! Well, after learning more about it since I thought that’s what I had for the last 3 months, there’s a 25% chance of this happening in all other pregnancies I would have. VERY scary! They would also be taking all other babies at about 36 weeks to try to avoid this. 

After seeing the specialist, we were relieved to find out that it was a placenta abruption due to a common infection in most pregnant women plus a blood clot that pushed the placenta away from Noah. He said that a lot of pregnant women get an infection due to being “open” (dilated) for so long. It is very common and typically is not harmful and goes away after the baby is born. He came to that conclusion based on a few things. First off, there are 2 symptoms of HELLPS – High blood pressure and protein in urine – I had neither of these at all. Plus, the signs for pre-eclampsia which I didn’t have either. He also said that Noah was a good size baby especially for someone my size (I am 4’8). He said typically the baby won’t grow normally the last month or 2 of the pregnancy. So the odds of what happened was 1% chance…still a VERY slim chance. He said that it’s very unlikely that it will happen again because my chances of this happening do NOT go up and the next pregnancy would be a fresh start. VERY reassuring to us!

We got the okay to start trying again in December 2011 if we felt we were ready. In May 2013, (yes, a year and a half later!) we still hadn’t become pregnant again. We decided to see someone at this point (remember, last time i got pregnant in 1 month!). We were beyond ready and felt this was our missing piece to the puzzle of completing our family. So in June we decided to try fertility medications. I was on those for 4 months with no results. In October, they wanted to start talking about the next step. We decided to quit all medications and interventions, get through the holidays and revisit this in the new year. I wasn’t convinced that I wanted to move onto the next step. If God wanted us to have another child, we would without the help of medications (just my feelings). 

Then on November 8, 2013 we found out we were pregnant (later named Carson). To add a little history to our boys’ due dates; I found out on November 7, 2010 that I was pregnant with Noah. I found out on November 8, 2013 that I was pregnant with Carson. Noah’s due date was July 15 and Carson’s was July 16. God certainly has a funny sense of timing! 

This was the scariest and the most emotional pregnancy one could ever endure. It was very hard to get excited and enjoy my pregnancy since we would never get past the point of our first loss with the 2nd one. The guilt, the emotions, the nerves, everything was so different the 2nd time around. Also throw in the fact that my due dates were one day apart. The only positive thing I felt was going right is that we knew they would take Carson early so there was no chance of them sharing a birthday.
On July 9, 2014 we gave birth to our Rainbow, Carson Reid. He was a scheduled C-section one week early due to my history with Noah. Eleven days later, we took Carson to visit his older brother for the first time. On July 20, we celebrated Noah’s 3rd birthday with our little rainbow. 

About Brandi:

Brandi is 32 years old, married to Craig since June 2007. They had their first son, Noah Christopher on July 20, 2011, he was born sleeping. On July 9, 2014 they were blessed with their Rainbow, Carson Reid.

**All pictures belong to the creator and writer of My Mama Adventure blog. Pictures are not to be reproduced, distributed, performed, publicly displayed, or made into a derivative work without the permission of the creator and writer of this blog.**

Seeking Contentment After Pregnancy Loss

Seeking Contentment After Pregnancy Loss - My Mama Adventure #pregnancyloss #miscarriageawareness

I’ve been very open about my losses on my blog, but it’s been awhile since I’ve talked about my miscarriages in this open forum. I’m not ashamed to talk about my losses and I’m always open to people asking me questions. I want to continue to keep the lines of communication open as far as pregnancy loss awareness goes.

My first loss was in September 2013, I was about 12 1/2 weeks along. I even had my pregnancy announcement blog post written with an adorable picture of M holding a sign that said “Big Brother.” Then, our world came crashing down. Just as we were healing from that loss and decided to try again, I miscarried again this past January. I was only 5 weeks 2 days with this loss and it was considered a chemical pregnancy. It was a miscarriage obviously, but it was one that if I hadn’t been so in tune with my body, I may not have ever known I was pregnant and would have assumed it was a late period.

Obviously, the second half of last year and the start of this year was really rough on us as a family. I struggled with feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, the whole gamut of feelings you could possibly feel. I’m still a little bitter and pictures of pregnancies and new babies is very hard on me. To be honest, new baby pictures have always been a little rough for me because of our experience with M, but it’s certainly different now.

Struggling with what would have been…

For awhile, especially as my March 25th due date approached, I really struggled. I mean REALLY struggled. The depression beast tried to fight through, and looking back he probably won. I would break down crying at anything, I was bitter, I was angry, I was miserable at my job. I started looking for new work, I basically wanted to quit life outside of my family. I wanted to curl into a ball, avoid the outside world, and just be with my sweet boy. In fact, after my first loss, I looked for distractions, ways to avoid my pain.

It’s been 9 months since my first loss. I could have gotten pregnant and had another baby in this time frame. I really struggled with the fact that I was not going to be pregnant with my rainbow by the time my due date came around and as that due date came closer and closer, I became more and more depressed and bitter.

As soon as that due date passed though and we hit mid-April, I started to gradually feel a turning point. I started to realize I didn’t hate my job, I enjoyed being around people, and I could feel genuine happiness for my new mama friends or pregnant friends. I held my friend’s newborn and while tears brimmed my eyes as I smelled his new baby smell and realized my baby would be about the same size, I still was able to hold him. I’ve held my nephew too. Granted, I do find my nephew more difficult and I’m sure I don’t jump to hold him nearly as much as I did with my niece. Pretty sure my sister and family understand though and regardless of my difficulties, I adore the little man and find him the most adorable nephew ever!

Moving Forward…

After our 1st loss, I had it stuck in my head that we would absolutely have a 2nd child at some point. Since our 2nd loss, I’ve started trying to consider the idea of just having one child, this has been a hard pill to swallow. I always envisioned 2 children in our home, 2 years apart. Obviously the age difference is now impossible. M is 2 1/2 and no sign of another child in sight.

You know what though, I’m finally at a point where I’d be okay if M was our only child. I really and truly would be okay if we didn’t have another child. M is all I need. He’s my heart, he’s my soul. Do I really need more than that? Simple answer: No. Do I want more than that? Not so simple answer. A few months ago, I would have emphatically said “YES, I definitely want more! Maybe even 2 more!” But, I’ve come to terms with our life and our little family. I’ve accepted and moved on from all the things I missed out on with M. I mean, sure, I’d love to nurse a baby. But there’s no guarantee that I’ll get that even with a 2nd child. I’d love to have a VBAC, but that’s even less likely than nursing.

There are no guarantees in life. Our history with babies is proof enough that life likes to throw curve balls, the proverbial wrench in the works. But, I really and truly believe that things (good and bad) happen for a reason. We were meant to be M’s parents, we were meant to go through those struggles with him, we were meant to learn from our journey with him. As hard as it is for me to see, there is a reason for our losses, I just don’t know what the reason is yet. I may not ever know. What I do know, is that M is my world, my warrior, my everything.


Contentment is what I’m seeking now and with contentment I may find my rainbow, but maybe not the rainbow I was originally seeking. Babies after a loss are called Rainbow babies, but rainbows are also the beauty after the rain. This is our rain, finding contentment would finally be beautiful. M can be my rainbow, he can continue to be my everything. This. This I am okay with.

Seeking Contentment After Pregnancy Loss - My Mama Adventure #pregnancyloss #miscarriageawareness

**All pictures belong to the creator and writer of My Mama Adventure blog. Pictures are not to be reproduced, distributed, performed, publicly displayed, or made into a derivative work without the permission of the creator and writer of this blog.**

My Dear Pregnant Friends,

First, I want to express how incredibly happy I am for you! You are experiencing something that can only be described as a true blessing and a journey that is wondrous and amazing. Along with this wondrous, amazing journey is back pain, nausea, fatigue, kicks to the kidneys and bladder, breast tenderness, an inability to breath, sleep, roll over. You also get to feel your baby from the inside, the only time you’ll ever get to feel such closeness to your baby. You are growing life and it is such a gift. 

I envy you.

My due date was supposed to be March 25, 2013 with my second blessing. With that due date fast approaching (5 weeks to be exact), my heart is aching. There is a piece of my heart missing that I will never get back. 

But there’s something that I haven’t told you. And this is really hard to share. I am afraid, as much as I don’t want to be, I’m scared to share more with you all. 

I had hoped to be pregnant with my rainbow by the time my Angel’s due date arrived. I thought maybe if I had my rainbow growing within me that it would make that pending due date a bit easier. 

I was pregnant again.

And for a short 9 days I had hope. I had a glimmer of hope that we would have our rainbow. I went for blood work 3 times, 2 out of the 3 times all was looking good. Then that 3rd batch of bloodwork showed what we dreaded most. My hormone levels were dropping, I was miscarrying. Again. 

I was sent for a 4th round of bloodwork. The techs were beginning to recognize me. They checked my thyroid to make sure I did not have hypothyroidism. I don’t. I’m healthy. My body is not defective. 

But, I miscarried again. I didn’t share this time. I was heartbroken to lose another baby. This baby was supposed to be my rainbow. But it wasn’t. This baby became another angel. Another angel that I will not hold in my arms.

I’m doing okay though. The physical healing was much easier with a 5 week, 2 day loss. My 12 week 4 day loss was much more traumatic on my body. Emotionally, I’m also doing okay. Really, I am.

My dear pregnant friends. I’m sorry. I want to celebrate with you, I really do. But my heart is aching so much for what I’m missing from my body and from my arms. That I can’t celebrate with you yet. I will, I promise, I will. But I need time. The next few weeks are going to be very hard on me and seeing the pictures and birth announcements are too much for me to handle right now. I’m sorry. 

It’s not fair. I want to scream at the universe. We’ve been through so much. Heart defects, feeding tubes, miscarriages. It’s not fair.

But I’m done being angry. I’ve gotten through that stage of grief. I’ve accepted what is and am trying to move forward. I cuddle M, I appreciate every single moment I have with him. This is my way.

I don’t want to cry anymore. But I still cry. I still let the grief swallow me sometimes. But I have M and he brings so much  joy to my life that I don’t let it swallow me for long. It’s not worth it. I need to focus on him, on the blessings I have in my life. I’m sad. I’ll continue to be sad. I’ll always have two pieces of my heart that are missing.

So, I’m sorry friends. Please forgive me for not celebrating with you. I promise I will soon.

**All pictures belong to the creator and writer of This is my life… blog. Pictures are not to be reproduced, distributed, performed, publicly displayed, or made into a derivative work without the permission of the creator and writer of this blog.**

Pregnancy Loss & Infertility – What Not to Say or Ask

There are some questions and statements that are better left unsaid. I’ve learned this by making the mistake of asking and/or by being asked these questions. In my experience, here is what to avoid:

  1. When are you having kids? Lesson learned on this one. You never know what is going on in a couple’s life. For all you know, they are trying to have kids and are dealing with fertility issues, have miscarried, or something else. Maybe they don’t want children, and that’s their choice. 
  2. When are you having more kids? Case in point, our situation. We want more kids and have miscarried. Don’t ask. It may be very painful for the couple to be asked this question. It may also be possible that they don’t want anymore kids. 
  3. Are you trying to have kids? Really? Did you just ask a couple about their sex life? Yes, yes you did. A couple’s intimate life is none of your business. Refer back to questions #1 and #2. You have no idea what is going on in a couple’s life or what their preferences are for a family. 
  4. It’s God’s/nature’s way of correcting a mistake. My baby was a mistake? God/nature messed up? Then why did God/nature allow me to get pregnant in the first place? Isn’t God supposed to be all knowing? This statement is absolutely true. Absolutely. Obviously, if a woman is going through a miscarriage, there was something wrong with the pregnancy. But this is not at all helpful. That’s my baby, my baby can’t be a mistake.
  5. God won’t give you more than you can handle. Read this blog post by Lemony Things. It really does a nice job of explaining why God will indeed give you more than you can handle. So the statement is not helpful, because it is not true. We’re supposed to trust in God and put our struggles to God in those difficult moments…BUT… (read #6)
  6. Trust in God/God has a plan. That’s great, and surely it’s true. But not really helpful when someone is grieving a loss or dealing with fertility issues. Trusting that God’s plan was for you to lose a baby or struggle with fertility, that’s a really hard pill to swallow. I will never understand, nor will I ever claim to understand, why God blessed me with a pregnancy to then take it away from me.
  7. Your baby was too precious, they needed to be with God. I said this in my Dear Angel post, that I knew that God needed my baby and she/he was more needed in Heaven. It’s one thing for the mother/woman, to say this, it’s a whole other thing for someone else to say this to the grieving mother. We don’t want our baby to be with God, we want our baby to be in our arms.
  8. You can always try again. Yes, you can always keep trying or try again. But it’s not always as simple as trying again. Sometimes, after a miscarriage, there’s physical healing and emotional healing involved. For me, trying again was like saying my baby that I lost didn’t matter and he/she could just be replaced. In my heart, my Angel will always be my baby.
  9. You’re lucky! We got pregnant right away and it took all the fun out of it! Oh, how I wanted to smack people who said this to me when we were trying to get pregnant before M! We were trying for the better part of a year before he was conceived. It becomes a chore! I can kind of see the point if it happens right away, but 6+ months and it’s no longer fun. It’s stressful, it’s tiring, it’s a chore, and you worry there might be something wrong with you.
  10. Enjoy! It will happen fast! And here’s hoping it does, but many times, those dealing with fertility issues or healing after a miscarriage, it doesn’t happen fast. And if it does happen fast, it may end in another miscarriage. 
The bottom line? Be careful what you say. You never know what is going on in someone’s life and pregnancy, fertility, all that, it’s really a very personal experience between a man and woman. If you’re not sure if you should say anything, then you’re better off saying nothing. If you know that someone is struggling, the best thing you can say is: I’m sorry or I’m here for you. Offer a hug, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, that’s all we ask for when going through this struggle. Yes, I still struggle.

What else would you add to the list?

**All pictures belong to the creator and writer of This is my life… blog. Pictures are not to be reproduced, distributed, performed, publicly displayed, or made into a derivative work without the permission of the creator and writer of this blog.**

Did God Fail Me? Or was He Listening?

When M was born I was told he either aspirated or he had a heart defect. I prayed for aspiration. I got heart defect. Then when I got pregnant again I prayed every night that my baby would be healthy, born healthy, able to nurse, that we’d have the “normal” hospital experience. I miscarried.

Did God fail me? Maybe he wasn’t listening, maybe there is no God. I was bitter. Very bitter. I still am. I’ve felt like my prayers have not been answered, that it’s been one struggle after another for the past 2 years. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel to this whole spirituality thing. I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve wanted to scream at God for putting me through all this trauma. For making my life so hard.

But maybe he was listening? I’ve gone back and forth with why these things have happened me, to us as a family. Isn’t that always the question? Why me? Yes, I’ve asked that question over and over again. Along with: What did I do wrong? Am I defective? Is there something wrong with me? I prayed for M to be okay. Maybe his heart defect was his saving grace. Maybe, just maybe, God was listening. Maybe M wouldn’t have survived aspiration like my niece did. Maybe, just maybe, God was listening when I asked for a healthy baby. Maybe He knew I couldn’t handle another extended hospital stay, so He decided we should start over.

Maybe I messed up.

Maybe I should be praying for acceptance, guidance, and trusting that God knows what he’s doing. Maybe I prayed a little too hard for a healthy baby. After all, I’d rather another extended hospital stay than no baby. This applies to both M and future babies.

I’m told that my miscarriage is because something was “wrong” with the pregnancy, with the “fetus.” I’m told it’s nothing I did or could have done. I still wonder though. Was the “something wrong,” something that would have just meant an extended hospital stay? Would it have meant a lifelong struggle of medical bills? Would it have meant that my child would have had a short Earthbound existence?

Please don’t tell me: You can’t ask those questions. Or, Don’t do that to yourself. Or, Stop wondering the ‘what ifs.’ Or, similar statements. To be honest, unless you’ve been through what I’ve been through, or something similar, the only thing you could say that won’t make me want to scream is: “I’m sorry.” Maybe a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or just your presence.

Honestly, I’ve been doing really well. It may not seem that way with this quasi-depressing post, but I am doing well. But, I still wonder about our Angel, I still think of our Angel everyday. And, obviously, I still wonder and think of the “what ifs.” But I’m coming to terms with our loss, I’m accepting that new things are on our horizon. But, I want you to know, I want the WORLD to know, that it’s not as simple as just moving on. One doesn’t just “get over” something like this. I had a life inside me and that life is gone. I “should” be 22 weeks pregnant. I’d know the gender at this point, my level 2 ultrasound would be done, I’d know if I was having another heart baby. But that life is gone, I’m not 22 weeks pregnant. It’s not something you just get over. But it’s something you move forward with. I’ll miss what might have been for the rest of my life. THE. REST. OF. MY. LIFE. I won’t ever “get over it.” I don’t want to get over it, I don’t ever want to forget. If I forget it’s like it didn’t happen, and then I’d be denying my sweet Angel and I would never want to deny that my Angel ever existed.

So, did God fail me or was He listening? I don’t know. I’ll never know. I’d like to believe He was listening. But, for now, I’ll keep wondering and trying to find my foothold in this whole spiritual universe. And every night, as I rock M to sleep, I’ll continue to pray to God, to thank him for our blessings, to lift up those names who need him, to ask for understanding, to ask for acceptance. I need to believe, I need to feel like there’s some sort of meaning to all the terrible things that happen in this world. I need my faith to continue living in this world.

I guess I haven’t given up on Him yet.