Written By: Mary Kay, Guest Blogger
Failure. Loser. Unfit mother. Okay, I may be being a bit dramatic. But I have never felt as inept as I do when I’m trying to pump breast milk for my 6 month old son.
When I first found out I was pregnant, my husband suggested breastfeeding and my visceral reaction was to scream “hell-to-the-no” and then gag to the point of near vomit. In fact, during our parenting classes, they showed an animated video clip of what your nipple would look like as it was being suckled on. During this lovely video, I actually told my husband he could take the breastfeeding and shove it. It looked painful. It looked uncomfortable. And to be completely honest, my motherly instinct hadn’t quite kicked in yet and I was being selfish. I didn’t want to be in pain any more than I had to (wasn’t labor enough??).
As my pregnancy continued, I began to see some positives. Bonding. Quiet time. Weight loss. Yada yada yada. I wasn’t completely sold on the idea but I wasn’t completely against it, either. It was at my baby shower where two of my best friends’ mothers (who also both happened to be delivery room nurses) gave me some sound advice. “Give it 6 weeks. Then decide if you like it or not.” For some reason, this is the only advice I remember from my pregnancy. (Well that and “sleep when the baby sleeps.” I swear if I heard that one more time, I might have been admitted to the looney bin for losing my cool on the poor, unsuspecting “advice” giver.)
So anyway, I took their advice. I gave the breastfeeding thing 6, painfully excruciating weeks. I was sore, confused, and an emotional basket case. But it was the best advice I have ever followed. If I hadn’t known that it would take 6 weeks or so to adjust (physically and mentally), I would have given up day one. I would have been throwing the peace sign with my fingers to the old nip’n’sip method and welcoming that metal tin of powdered formula with open arms.
I love breastfeeding my son. I never thought breastfeeding was for me but I love the time we get to spend together, just him and me. Some days, I feel like it’s the only thing I’m doing right as a mother.
When it came time to go back to work, I was prepared. I had obtained my insurance-covered breast pump, the storage bags, the extra pump parts, the works. It didn’t take me long to realize that pumping is not my favorite thing to do. It is also not something I’m totally successful.
Since that first day at work, I have struggled. It just always seems like I’m never able to express everything that’s in my milk-makers. Here’s the deal, I don’t have an over-supply. I’m not one of those moms that seem to have milk-geysers and an extra freezer in my garage filled to capacity with breast milk. I also don’t have an under-supply. When I’m breastfeeding, my son is always content and has been gaining weight appropriately. I seem to be producing “just enough” for him to develop and grow as is expected. But for some ungodly reason, I can’t seem to pump this milk! It’s infuriating, frustrating, and tends to perpetuate the pump-slump I’ve been in since returning to work. The cycle usually goes like this: pump, slow-flow, frustration, try to re-focus (look at pictures of Ben, listen to music, etc.), look at bottles and see milk is still slow-flowing in, get more frustrated, milk stops completely, tears come, I give up. I almost wish I was an under-supplier. At least I would know where I stand.
For the past week, I have dipped so far into my “supply” (luckily I was able to build a small, frozen supply while still on maternity) that I am now without a breast-milk backup. My growing, small-fry is literally eating up everything as I pump it, which puts even more pressure on me to perform. And to be honest, the pressure is starting to suffocate me. I’m drowning… And not in breast milk.
A few nights ago, my husband and I decided to get some formula “just in case” we run into an issue where we don’t have enough breast milk to send to daycare. I’m not trying to sound anti-formula, because I’m not. Like I said before, I wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding. It wasn’t my scene. But now that I am breastfeeding, I’m just not ready to give it up! And every single time I go to hook up to my milk-machine, I feel the pressure closing in. Are my days of pumping numbered?
I’ve tried all the tricks. I’ve been drinking water to the point where if I’m not pumping, I’m in the bathroom (which really isn’t conducive to being a working mom). I’ve played music that reminds me of Ben. I’ve looked through pictures. I replaced my insurance-covered pump with a brand-spankin’ new pump (better brand, better model). I even went out and bought Fenugreek-an herb thought to help increase milk production. I just can’t seem to get it right.
So here I am. Guilt ridden. Feeling inadequate because I can’t “provide” for my own son. I know. I know… How cliché?! But I’m a mommy on the verge of milk-meltdown.
So what’s a gal to do when it seems like all else has failed? Try to be positive, of course! As upsetting as this whole pumping-predicament is, I know that I am lucky. I have a healthy baby boy who latched on immediately after birth and never had an issue since with breastfeeding. I’m lucky that my little guy had 6 good months of nursing. And I’m lucky I have a supportive husband who stands by me even when my stress is sometimes taken out on him.
The thing I am constantly reminding myself is that I am a good mother. Sometimes it’s easy to forget. The modern mother works for a living. And yet, we still feel guilty for leaving our little ones at daycare or, if you’re lucky enough, with family members. I’ve come to the conclusion that I feel guilty for having to go to work. I feel guilty for HAVING to pump. And when I really think about it, I may be letting my guilt prevent me from completely relaxing and getting a good pump-session done.
For now, I need to focus one pump at a time. Each day is a new day. And the good news is… if this whole pumping thing doesn’t work out, there’s always formula!
About the Guest Blogger:
Mary Kay is a 30-year-old mother and wife living in Northeastern Pennsylvania. She is a practicing school psychologist and enjoys working with children. At home, Mary Kay enjoys spending time with her family, crafts, karaoke, reading, and the occasional workout.
photo credit: aaron_anderer via photopin cc
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