I’ve been very open about my losses on my blog, but it’s been awhile since I’ve talked about my miscarriages in this open forum. I’m not ashamed to talk about my losses and I’m always open to people asking me questions. I want to continue to keep the lines of communication open as far as pregnancy loss awareness goes.
My first loss was in September 2013, I was about 12 1/2 weeks along. I even had my pregnancy announcement blog post written with an adorable picture of M holding a sign that said “Big Brother.” Then, our world came crashing down. Just as we were healing from that loss and decided to try again, I miscarried again this past January. I was only 5 weeks 2 days with this loss and it was considered a chemical pregnancy. It was a miscarriage obviously, but it was one that if I hadn’t been so in tune with my body, I may not have ever known I was pregnant and would have assumed it was a late period.
Obviously, the second half of last year and the start of this year was really rough on us as a family. I struggled with feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, the whole gamut of feelings you could possibly feel. I’m still a little bitter and pictures of pregnancies and new babies is very hard on me. To be honest, new baby pictures have always been a little rough for me because of our experience with M, but it’s certainly different now.
Struggling with what would have been…
For awhile, especially as my March 25th due date approached, I really struggled. I mean REALLY struggled. The depression beast tried to fight through, and looking back he probably won. I would break down crying at anything, I was bitter, I was angry, I was miserable at my job. I started looking for new work, I basically wanted to quit life outside of my family. I wanted to curl into a ball, avoid the outside world, and just be with my sweet boy. In fact, after my first loss, I looked for distractions, ways to avoid my pain.
It’s been 9 months since my first loss. I could have gotten pregnant and had another baby in this time frame. I really struggled with the fact that I was not going to be pregnant with my rainbow by the time my due date came around and as that due date came closer and closer, I became more and more depressed and bitter.
As soon as that due date passed though and we hit mid-April, I started to gradually feel a turning point. I started to realize I didn’t hate my job, I enjoyed being around people, and I could feel genuine happiness for my new mama friends or pregnant friends. I held my friend’s newborn and while tears brimmed my eyes as I smelled his new baby smell and realized my baby would be about the same size, I still was able to hold him. I’ve held my nephew too. Granted, I do find my nephew more difficult and I’m sure I don’t jump to hold him nearly as much as I did with my niece. Pretty sure my sister and family understand though and regardless of my difficulties, I adore the little man and find him the most adorable nephew ever!
You know what though, I’m finally at a point where I’d be okay if M was our only child. I really and truly would be okay if we didn’t have another child. M is all I need. He’s my heart, he’s my soul. Do I really need more than that? Simple answer: No. Do I want more than that? Not so simple answer. A few months ago, I would have emphatically said “YES, I definitely want more! Maybe even 2 more!” But, I’ve come to terms with our life and our little family. I’ve accepted and moved on from all the things I missed out on with M. I mean, sure, I’d love to nurse a baby. But there’s no guarantee that I’ll get that even with a 2nd child. I’d love to have a VBAC, but that’s even less likely than nursing.
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