Seeking Contentment After Pregnancy Loss

Seeking Contentment After Pregnancy Loss - My Mama Adventure #pregnancyloss #miscarriageawareness

I’ve been very open about my losses on my blog, but it’s been awhile since I’ve talked about my miscarriages in this open forum. I’m not ashamed to talk about my losses and I’m always open to people asking me questions. I want to continue to keep the lines of communication open as far as pregnancy loss awareness goes.

My first loss was in September 2013, I was about 12 1/2 weeks along. I even had my pregnancy announcement blog post written with an adorable picture of M holding a sign that said “Big Brother.” Then, our world came crashing down. Just as we were healing from that loss and decided to try again, I miscarried again this past January. I was only 5 weeks 2 days with this loss and it was considered a chemical pregnancy. It was a miscarriage obviously, but it was one that if I hadn’t been so in tune with my body, I may not have ever known I was pregnant and would have assumed it was a late period.

Obviously, the second half of last year and the start of this year was really rough on us as a family. I struggled with feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, the whole gamut of feelings you could possibly feel. I’m still a little bitter and pictures of pregnancies and new babies is very hard on me. To be honest, new baby pictures have always been a little rough for me because of our experience with M, but it’s certainly different now.

Struggling with what would have been…

For awhile, especially as my March 25th due date approached, I really struggled. I mean REALLY struggled. The depression beast tried to fight through, and looking back he probably won. I would break down crying at anything, I was bitter, I was angry, I was miserable at my job. I started looking for new work, I basically wanted to quit life outside of my family. I wanted to curl into a ball, avoid the outside world, and just be with my sweet boy. In fact, after my first loss, I looked for distractions, ways to avoid my pain.

It’s been 9 months since my first loss. I could have gotten pregnant and had another baby in this time frame. I really struggled with the fact that I was not going to be pregnant with my rainbow by the time my due date came around and as that due date came closer and closer, I became more and more depressed and bitter.

As soon as that due date passed though and we hit mid-April, I started to gradually feel a turning point. I started to realize I didn’t hate my job, I enjoyed being around people, and I could feel genuine happiness for my new mama friends or pregnant friends. I held my friend’s newborn and while tears brimmed my eyes as I smelled his new baby smell and realized my baby would be about the same size, I still was able to hold him. I’ve held my nephew too. Granted, I do find my nephew more difficult and I’m sure I don’t jump to hold him nearly as much as I did with my niece. Pretty sure my sister and family understand though and regardless of my difficulties, I adore the little man and find him the most adorable nephew ever!

Moving Forward…

After our 1st loss, I had it stuck in my head that we would absolutely have a 2nd child at some point. Since our 2nd loss, I’ve started trying to consider the idea of just having one child, this has been a hard pill to swallow. I always envisioned 2 children in our home, 2 years apart. Obviously the age difference is now impossible. M is 2 1/2 and no sign of another child in sight.

You know what though, I’m finally at a point where I’d be okay if M was our only child. I really and truly would be okay if we didn’t have another child. M is all I need. He’s my heart, he’s my soul. Do I really need more than that? Simple answer: No. Do I want more than that? Not so simple answer. A few months ago, I would have emphatically said “YES, I definitely want more! Maybe even 2 more!” But, I’ve come to terms with our life and our little family. I’ve accepted and moved on from all the things I missed out on with M. I mean, sure, I’d love to nurse a baby. But there’s no guarantee that I’ll get that even with a 2nd child. I’d love to have a VBAC, but that’s even less likely than nursing.

There are no guarantees in life. Our history with babies is proof enough that life likes to throw curve balls, the proverbial wrench in the works. But, I really and truly believe that things (good and bad) happen for a reason. We were meant to be M’s parents, we were meant to go through those struggles with him, we were meant to learn from our journey with him. As hard as it is for me to see, there is a reason for our losses, I just don’t know what the reason is yet. I may not ever know. What I do know, is that M is my world, my warrior, my everything.


Contentment is what I’m seeking now and with contentment I may find my rainbow, but maybe not the rainbow I was originally seeking. Babies after a loss are called Rainbow babies, but rainbows are also the beauty after the rain. This is our rain, finding contentment would finally be beautiful. M can be my rainbow, he can continue to be my everything. This. This I am okay with.

Seeking Contentment After Pregnancy Loss - My Mama Adventure #pregnancyloss #miscarriageawareness

**All pictures belong to the creator and writer of My Mama Adventure blog. Pictures are not to be reproduced, distributed, performed, publicly displayed, or made into a derivative work without the permission of the creator and writer of this blog.**

5 thoughts on “Seeking Contentment After Pregnancy Loss

  1. Oh friend it was so hard to see you go through all of that and not be able to do anything. I have one loss as well as almost lost live two times during pregnancy. It’s been very hard to except that I’m only having one child.


    1. I’m so sorry Rebecca, I did not realize you had a loss. I know you went through (and are going through more) with Liv and I think of you often. I’m at a point where if we have another, fine. But, if we don’t, that’s fine too. I’ve washed my hands of the control I *thought* I had in all of this.


  2. it’s never easy to deal with the loss, the pain subsides, but never leaves you. i know as I had two myself after the birth of my first daughter. Luckily God blessed me with adoption and then many years later another pregnancy. I’m glad that you are seeking contentment as you are blessed. thank you for sharing such a personal and important subject


  3. This is really quite beautiful. Sad, and hopeful, and honest, and wonderfully beautiful. I know that many moms who are hurting as badly as you’ve been will find comfort in your words, in your healing process. And whatever life brings you, I hope and pray that you’ll find the contentment you deserve. ❤


  4. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. I’m so glad that you (and others in simmilar positions) aren’t afraid to share online so that othesr who are hurting can find others who understand their pain.


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