First, I want to express how incredibly happy I am for you! You are experiencing something that can only be described as a true blessing and a journey that is wondrous and amazing. Along with this wondrous, amazing journey is back pain, nausea, fatigue, kicks to the kidneys and bladder, breast tenderness, an inability to breath, sleep, roll over. You also get to feel your baby from the inside, the only time you’ll ever get to feel such closeness to your baby. You are growing life and it is such a gift.
I envy you.
My due date was supposed to be March 25, 2013 with my second blessing. With that due date fast approaching (5 weeks to be exact), my heart is aching. There is a piece of my heart missing that I will never get back.
But there’s something that I haven’t told you. And this is really hard to share. I am afraid, as much as I don’t want to be, I’m scared to share more with you all.
I had hoped to be pregnant with my rainbow by the time my Angel’s due date arrived. I thought maybe if I had my rainbow growing within me that it would make that pending due date a bit easier.
I was pregnant again.
And for a short 9 days I had hope. I had a glimmer of hope that we would have our rainbow. I went for blood work 3 times, 2 out of the 3 times all was looking good. Then that 3rd batch of bloodwork showed what we dreaded most. My hormone levels were dropping, I was miscarrying. Again.
I was sent for a 4th round of bloodwork. The techs were beginning to recognize me. They checked my thyroid to make sure I did not have hypothyroidism. I don’t. I’m healthy. My body is not defective.
But, I miscarried again. I didn’t share this time. I was heartbroken to lose another baby. This baby was supposed to be my rainbow. But it wasn’t. This baby became another angel. Another angel that I will not hold in my arms.
I’m doing okay though. The physical healing was much easier with a 5 week, 2 day loss. My 12 week 4 day loss was much more traumatic on my body. Emotionally, I’m also doing okay. Really, I am.
My dear pregnant friends. I’m sorry. I want to celebrate with you, I really do. But my heart is aching so much for what I’m missing from my body and from my arms. That I can’t celebrate with you yet. I will, I promise, I will. But I need time. The next few weeks are going to be very hard on me and seeing the pictures and birth announcements are too much for me to handle right now. I’m sorry.
It’s not fair. I want to scream at the universe. We’ve been through so much. Heart defects, feeding tubes, miscarriages. It’s not fair.
But I’m done being angry. I’ve gotten through that stage of grief. I’ve accepted what is and am trying to move forward. I cuddle M, I appreciate every single moment I have with him. This is my way.
I don’t want to cry anymore. But I still cry. I still let the grief swallow me sometimes. But I have M and he brings so much joy to my life that I don’t let it swallow me for long. It’s not worth it. I need to focus on him, on the blessings I have in my life. I’m sad. I’ll continue to be sad. I’ll always have two pieces of my heart that are missing.
So, I’m sorry friends. Please forgive me for not celebrating with you. I promise I will soon.
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