There are some questions and statements that are better left unsaid. I’ve learned this by making the mistake of asking and/or by being asked these questions. In my experience, here is what to avoid:
- When are you having kids? Lesson learned on this one. You never know what is going on in a couple’s life. For all you know, they are trying to have kids and are dealing with fertility issues, have miscarried, or something else. Maybe they don’t want children, and that’s their choice.
- When are you having more kids? Case in point, our situation. We want more kids and have miscarried. Don’t ask. It may be very painful for the couple to be asked this question. It may also be possible that they don’t want anymore kids.
- Are you trying to have kids? Really? Did you just ask a couple about their sex life? Yes, yes you did. A couple’s intimate life is none of your business. Refer back to questions #1 and #2. You have no idea what is going on in a couple’s life or what their preferences are for a family.
- It’s God’s/nature’s way of correcting a mistake. My baby was a mistake? God/nature messed up? Then why did God/nature allow me to get pregnant in the first place? Isn’t God supposed to be all knowing? This statement is absolutely true. Absolutely. Obviously, if a woman is going through a miscarriage, there was something wrong with the pregnancy. But this is not at all helpful. That’s my baby, my baby can’t be a mistake.
- God won’t give you more than you can handle. Read this blog post by Lemony Things. It really does a nice job of explaining why God will indeed give you more than you can handle. So the statement is not helpful, because it is not true. We’re supposed to trust in God and put our struggles to God in those difficult moments…BUT… (read #6)
- Trust in God/God has a plan. That’s great, and surely it’s true. But not really helpful when someone is grieving a loss or dealing with fertility issues. Trusting that God’s plan was for you to lose a baby or struggle with fertility, that’s a really hard pill to swallow. I will never understand, nor will I ever claim to understand, why God blessed me with a pregnancy to then take it away from me.
- Your baby was too precious, they needed to be with God. I said this in my Dear Angel post, that I knew that God needed my baby and she/he was more needed in Heaven. It’s one thing for the mother/woman, to say this, it’s a whole other thing for someone else to say this to the grieving mother. We don’t want our baby to be with God, we want our baby to be in our arms.
- You can always try again. Yes, you can always keep trying or try again. But it’s not always as simple as trying again. Sometimes, after a miscarriage, there’s physical healing and emotional healing involved. For me, trying again was like saying my baby that I lost didn’t matter and he/she could just be replaced. In my heart, my Angel will always be my baby.
- You’re lucky! We got pregnant right away and it took all the fun out of it! Oh, how I wanted to smack people who said this to me when we were trying to get pregnant before M! We were trying for the better part of a year before he was conceived. It becomes a chore! I can kind of see the point if it happens right away, but 6+ months and it’s no longer fun. It’s stressful, it’s tiring, it’s a chore, and you worry there might be something wrong with you.
- Enjoy! It will happen fast! And here’s hoping it does, but many times, those dealing with fertility issues or healing after a miscarriage, it doesn’t happen fast. And if it does happen fast, it may end in another miscarriage.
What else would you add to the list?
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